A Letter To Moms, But Mainly Mine

To all the
Boo Boo Kissers
Late Night Talkers
Best Friends
Advisors
Rule Makers
Cooks
Secret Keepers
Heroes
Silly Face Masters
Grounders
Encouragers
Joke Tellers
Lullaby Singers
Teachers
Monster Killers
Piggy Back Givers
Huggers

Counselors
     Wonderful Mothers,

You should know you are loved; it's not shown near as often as it should be. You should know you are beautiful; you are not told as much as you deserve. You should know you are not a failure; you have succeeded in so much. You should know you are a wonderful friend, and you keep the best secrets. You should know I'm sorry for my mistakes; I promise I'm trying. You should know you'll never be alone; even if everyone else leaves I will not. You should know you are not always nice, but it's okay. You should know I will always love you; no matter what.

Mothers deserve to hear these things. You have dealt with so much. You have stayed up countless nights consoling your children. You have kissed bloody knees, wiped snotty noses, changed poopy diapers. You have been a shoulder to cry on. You have helped support your family. You have held me when I have been tired and upset. You have taught me the most important aspects of life. You have told me people are hard to deal with and showed me how to do it. You let me know that everyone makes mistakes; even you. You have loved me when no one else did.

Even at the most fragile points in our relationship I have still loved you. I may have told you I didn't, but I did. You are the best listener. I love our talks. I hate your advice at times. I'm not admitting to it being right, especially on this public blog for everyone to see. I love your hugs. I may not always hug back, but on the inside I am. Thank you for supporting me in doing the things I love. Thank you for telling me I'm stupid when I want to do something absurd. Thank you for listening to me rant on and on about everything that has ever annoyed me. Thank you for letting me cry, and thank you for telling me to suck it up. Thank you for giving me everything I could ever need. Thank you for the slobbery kisses that I hate. Thank you for everything, mom. You will always be my number one fan. You will always be my role model. I may not always act like I appreciate you and I may not tell you I love you enough, but always know I do appreciate you and I will always love you.

With all my heart,
Your Daughter

Rhabdo: It's Just An Obstacle

First visit my sweet boyfriend thought it would
be a great idea to bring me an Ariel sized Ariel balloon.

First off I guess I should tell you what Rhabdomyolysis (Rhabdo) is.

Definition Rhabdomyolysis- rhab·do·my·ol·y·sis (rab'dō-mī-ol'i-sis)

An acute, fulminating, potentially fatal disease of skeletal muscle that entails destruction of muscle, as evidenced by myoglobinemia and myoglobinuria.

Ok, yes I know that probably makes no sense to you, but I will explain in simpler terms. First, I have to start at the beginning. Starting around January of this year my mom and I decided we would hit the gym hard to try to get in shape. We were even sticking to a great meal plan, and I had started feeling amazing. And so did she. We had a personal trainer that we met with 2 times a week, and she was awesome! She really encouraged us, (and pushed us to the point of tears sometimes) but we felt like we were really accomplishing a lot. In April we attended a session on a Thursday, and when I woke up Friday morning I could not straighten my arms. Along with that they hurt worse than any normal soreness pain should. They also started swelling, so I literally got swole from that workout lol. Of course my mom, being the amazing woman she is, laughed at me. She thought if a 47 year old woman could do the workout and not be sore the next day then an 18 year old shouldn't either. DUH! By Saturday everyone was tired of hearing me complain, so they decided to do the normal thing and google my symptoms. Y'all can't tell me you've never done that. Anyway, Rhabdomyolysis popped up, and I had almost all the symptoms. My parents immediately freaked out because they read that it can be fatal if not treated right away. The next morning, they finally decided to take me to the ER. At first none of the doctors wanted to believe this was possible. The ER doctor had never seen it but one other time, and at my age and stature he couldn't believe it was possible.

Your CPK is the enzyme that leaks into your body when your muscles are damaged. The average count that should be in your body at any given time is around 100. When I was in the ER the doctors drew my blood, and the results that came back said my CPK count was at a baffling 64,000. I indeed had Rhabdomyolysis. I was then admitted and proceeded to stay in the hospital for 5 days while IV after IV was pumped into me to flush my body out. I was extremely lucky and had no kidney damage at all. My doctor told me after 6-8 weeks off I should be able to return back to the gym, and everything would be back to normal.

8 weeks later I was thrilled to be back doing what I had grown to love. It was always a great bonding time with my mom, and it made me feel all around fantastic. My trainer was aware of my condition and made sure not to make the workout too difficult, but we also thought since we waited the time that everything should be okay. After the third session, I woke up the next morning again with the same symptoms as before. I was terrified at first because I just couldn't believe this was happening all over again. Then I became extremely angry because the doctors had promised nothing was going to be wrong. I am a normal teenager; I should be able to physically do whatever I want. We went to the hospital a day sooner than we did the first time, so my CPK levels were much lower (still extremely abnormal) with a count of 27,000. I spent another 5 days in the hospital with this round as well. The doctors were confused with why I was facing this insane condition a second time. The hospitalist deciding to send me to a neurologist in our hometown when I got out. The neurologist gave me one option, which might or might not supply answers to my condition. I could do a painful procedure (muscle biopsy) that MIGHT tell me I have an enzyme deficiency that I could do absolutely nothing about. If this was to be the case than I could only walk and ride a bike without exerting myself for the rest of my life. No gym. No tubing at the lake. No backyard baseball. Absolutely nothing that might over exert my muscles and send me into another rhabdo episode. When I heard this news I was devastated. I love being active and just having fun being young. The worst part was knowing I could have something wrong with me, and there be absolutely nothing I could do about it. I am a control freak. I can't stand not being organized and having everything planned out just the way I want it. This was a big fat ugly black spot in the middle of my perfectly white and clean scheduled life. At least thats how I felt. 

Second visit I was able to celebrate
the 4th of July thanks to friends and family!

Rhabdo isn't the end of the world. Rhabdo didn't kill me. Rhabdo is simply an obstacle life threw at me that I have to work through. I am so extremely blessed. I am overall a very healthy teenager. I have an amazing support system. I am still able to attend college, have a job, make friends, be in a relationship, and do so many other things that some people can't do. I am not dying. I am not in horrible pain every day of my life. I am not throwing up sick from chemo treatments. I simply have to know my limits and not push myself over them. Yes, this means I can't do everything I love, but thats ok. It is important, no matter your circumstance, to realize there is most likely always someone out there that has it worse than you. It is important to help those people, and to pray for those people. It isn't all about me. I have to put my selfish desires aside and realize that I have it made still. Like I've said before, things can get hard but you just have to get through those things to get to the happiness. I have been able to find other things that make me happy. I love staying fit by occasionally doing (easy) yoga, walking my dogs, and (trying to) eat healthy and drink yummy smoothies. Its easy to focus on what I can't do anymore. I have to remember to realize what I can still do. Someone else may not be able to do yoga, eat whatever they want, or walk their dog. 

Being Like Ashton- The Happiest Dog Alive

Ashton is my crazy, loving, enthusiastic, cuddly, wonderful puppy. She is a Weimaraner and just turned 1 in July. She has an abundance of energy (that I hope decreases with age). She starts her mornings by sitting at my bed around 6:30 and crying until I get up with her. She also loves throwing ALL of her toys all over the house, playing fetch, and digging holes all over my backyard. My other dog, Lady, is almost 11, and they are inseparable (according to Ashton). Ashton can't stand being away from her for more than a minute, and she cries every time they get separated. Ashton is the best cuddle buddy, most annoying pest when trying to do something important, and has the meanest bark for such a kind dog. All those things though are the exact reason I love her so much.

Now that I have introduced you to the "happiest dog alive" let me get to what this post is really about. I know I talked about  happiness in my last post but I want to go back to it one more time. I'm doing this because happiness is something I've always struggled with. I want to share a struggle with you that I deal with and how Ashton's personality has showed me how to learn to get past it. I know your struggles aren't the same as mine. So just plug in your struggle, and she should still be able to help in the same way. 

I have never been the person that is full of energy and enthusiasm, or that always has a smile on their face. I tend to be sarcastic and push the people I love the most away from me. One of my biggest fears is people coming into my life only to leave it. I tend to push them away before they have the chance to leave. I know that people coming and going is a part of life, but it's still not easy. 

It hurts when you make friends and something happens that causes them to exit your life. It can hurt even more when people from your family leave your life. Sometimes you get into fights, sometimes people have to move away, and sometimes people even leave this life forever. I have had an the unfortunate opportunity to experience all of those scenarios. It's never easy; no matter how many times it happens. I focus on this negative aspect of life and end up missing out on so much joy. Ok, I know you are all wondering where does a dog tie into all this. Well after spending this past year with my wonderful Ashton I have learned you can find happiness in some of the simplest things. Ashton gets the most excited when she hears the ice machine, plays fetch, sees someone familiar, goes for car rides, and gets her ears rubbed. Why can't we as humans be content with things like that? Yes, I know we don't exactly do those things for fun, but I'm talking about the little things in general. It usually takes a vacation, a new car, a baby being born, or some other grand event for us to even catch a glimpse of happiness. We need to take a step back. We need to realize it's not that difficult.

For me I have to learn to not worry about the people who leave. I have to learn to enjoy the ones that are here. I don't know your struggles. You might have a hard time with change, a horrible boss, a painful memory you can't escape, or a million other things. The point is that we must try to be like Ashton. Be simple. Be content. Realize there is so much more in life to be happy about, like simply chasing a ball around the backyard or cuddling with someone you love. Change can be good, and you will never know if you don't take a leap of faith. That horrible boss is honestly probably dealing with a ton of his own struggles and just needs help. Memories are in the past. It's hard, but you have to let things go. You have to pray for a better future and not worry about the past. Stop letting your struggles hold you back. Learn to find happiness in the small moments of life again. Don't give up. The happiness is out there waiting for you to find it. You just have to try.

These are all some of my favorite pictures of Ashton that make me laugh (bring me happiness). 

I hope they do the same thing for you.

I'm A Freshman!!!

I am officially a college freshman! Technically I started classes this summer by doing a mini-mester in July, but now I can say it is really happening. I decided to stay in my hometown to attend college, and I can honestly say I believe it was the best decision ever. I was able to move into my own house with my best friend Annie and two dogs, Lady and Ashton, and these past few months have been great! At first deciding to stay "at home" was not really that exciting, especially when all your friends are going off to the big SEC colleges. After a while though I realized that it wasn't about where I went; it is about making new friends, learning new things, and finding true happiness. And I believe that is exactly what I am doing. By starting this summer I was able to make some great new friends who I already love being around. By going to a smaller college I'm able to walk around campus and see several familiar faces which is one of my favorite things. When it comes to the learning part, how do you not do that when you're at college?? Some things I don't necessarily want to learn, like trying to find the average rate of change of a function, but when it comes to learning how to become a successful student and business person those come in handy. Happiness can be difficult at times. Sometimes it feels like everything around you is against you. Sometimes you get news you don't really want to hear. Sometimes people leave your life, temporarily and permanently. Sometimes you fight with your parents. Even worse, sometimes you fight with your roommate. Sometimes you fail a test. Sometimes your favorite mug breaks. Sometimes life just happens. The key to happiness though is getting through those times. It can be hard, but it's totally worth it. Overall I'm extremely excited and a little nervous about this new phase of my life. I can't wait to make more friends, learn more things, and find more happiness.